Friendly fire! (Part 3)

If you didn’t read yesterday’s post you might want to start there so that you have a backdrop for some of the ideas I’m going to be tossing around today. The first big idea I want to discuss regarding ministry relationships with people that you pastor, is the fact that it’s not always about you. Many of the friends that had moved with me to Orlando, had to figure out how to walk the fine line between seeing me as their pastor and seeing me as their friend. This meant recognizing that, though we were a team, I was ultimately the primary leader. This would indicate that people in your church who are trying to build a relationship with you are also trying to figure out how to navigate that relationship in much the same way you are. Where are the lines drawn? What’s acceptable for me to say or do, and in what setting or context is it acceptable?

It is vital to understand the purpose of your calling as a pastor if you are to successfully embrace every aspect of the relationships that surround you. You are called to serve and not necessarily to be served. Jesus modeled that in the most amazing ways. We often claim that we want to reflect His character in our leadership styles yet we tend to scoff, or at the very least minimize the value of the idea that He washed His Disciples feet. He was a Servant Leader. That’s why people feel like they can routinely evaluate your performance as the lead pastor. That is what people do with servants. While you may be the visionary leader and the one who has “paid the heavy price” involved with planting or growing a church, you ultimately serve in that capacity only as long as people see you as their pastor and life coach. This means that there are one set of rules for you and another for the people. I have to admit that I struggled with this significantly. I felt like it wasn’t fair that people expected me to always “act” like the pastor, while they could take their “work” hats off at the end of their work day.

I quickly realized that the reason for this is the fact that as a pastor you live in a fishbowl, and your entire life is an open book for everyone to read and interpret whatever they choose. They will have opinions about everything you do or say. You are quotable! You must settle in your heart who you are, and make the determination to be that person all the time otherwise you’ll find yourself always trying to be who you think someone wants you to be in a particular circumstance. You will become everyone and consequently no one. You must regard somewhat lightly both the accolades and the criticisms of people. If authenticity is an essential part of effectively pastoring people (and it is), then you must be willing to remove the barriers that prevent people from seeing you as you really are.

In an attempt to be “real” I made myself vulnerable to my team and ended up paying a heavy price for my efforts (again you should read yesterday’s post if you haven’t already). At that point I had two options: I could remain hurt, angry and bitter and ultimately hurt the very purpose for which I was called (my ability to speak into other people’s lives), or I could walk through the process of learning what things I needed to let God change in me so that I could handle the relationships with people that I pastor, a lot better. I decided that remaining vulnerable and transparent were some of the qualities that I could not afford to give up if I was to build meaningful relationships with the people who serve at The Well with me. I borrowed an idea from a friend and named the room where we hold our staff meetings, The Bullpen. The idea is that this is the room where everyone’s ideas have free expression. This is where the gloves come off and we fight passionately (but fairly) for what we believe is the right direction for The Well and all its ministry arms. This means that you must be willing to check your ego at the door and take a punch to your prideful jaw every once in a while. Come back tomorrow for my concluding thoughts on this subject.