Unconditional Love? Maybe not so much!!! (Part 2)

I know, I know, I promised to post part two of this blog yesterday, but if I’m being completely honest I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this concept of love that is selfless and unconditional. I simply wasn’t ready to conclude this idea yesterday and I’m not even sure that I’m ready now. But, I guess I’ll probably never be ready so I’m just going to dive in head first. Here are a couple of quotes from the book "Blue Like Jazz" that struck a chord in me:

“The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money…. With love, we with(o)ld affirmation from the people who d(o) not agree with us, but we lavishly finance the ones who d(o)…. When we barter with it (love), we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more.”

“Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them. If a person senses that you do not like them, that you do not approve of their existence, then your religion and your political ideas will all seem wrong to them. If they sense that you like them, then they are open to what you have to say.”

This brings me to a very personal story I’d like to share with you. I will warn you in advance that if you don’t follow this story through to the end you might conclude that I’m being arrogant and self-serving, but if you’ll patiently endure the details of the story, I promise you that the point will be well made. One more disclaimer: I must also warn you that it will make some of you uncomfortable, as these are issues we’d rather pretend aren't there because it's not politically correct to talk about such things.

I’ve never liked Winn Dixie. Maybe it’s because it always struck me as a “poor man’s” store, and since I didn’t like the way it made me feel I just didn’t shop there. That is until I was forced, for, shall we say reasons of convenience, to shop at the Winn Dixie nearest my home in Lake Mary. I don’t know if it’s an official policy, but Winn Dixie hires a lot of handicapped and disabled people and this store appeared to be trying to win a competition for how many such people they could have on their team at one time.

Each time I went there I would notice how many disabled staff people wandered around and would throw a friendly wave in their direction then pat myself on the back for being such a ‘good’ Christian. After all, most of the other folks in the store simply ignored them and went about their business. One day I decided to introduce myself to a quadriplegic that I’d often noticed in an elaborate recumbent wheelchair. He would often position his chair strategically by the store entrance looking stone-faced at busy shoppers going in and out in a hurry as they lived out their busy lives. Ostensibly his job was to welcome people as they entered the store but his demeanor made most shoppers look the other way. I walked up to him and said, “My name’s Joseph, what’s yours?” “David” he replied, beaming from ear to ear. Then he continued, “I’ve often noticed you coming in here but you always looked so scary and mean.” Ouch!!! My Christian ego had just taken a deflating beating.

It turns out that in addition to being a quadriplegic, David also suffers from a mild case of cerebral palsy and Down’s syndrome. Down’s syndrome is associated with some impairment of cognitive ability and physical growth as well as facial appearance. I proceeded to have one of the most amazing conversations with David, all the while thinking how smart and well spoken he was. I’d made a judgment about David the first time I laid eyes on him. I assumed he wouldn’t be coherent and he’d be severely mentally handicapped. The ‘single story' of people afflicted with Down’s syndrome not being smart or intelligible, had led me to believe that David had nothing to contribute to my life. The funny thing is, I know the feeling of back-handed compliments, yet I was doing exactly the same thing as I expressed my surprise at how well David spoke and processed ideas.

All my life living in the West I’ve been judged on the single story: The story that black Africans generally speak with thick, heavy accents and are definitely not as smart or intelligent as their white contemporaries. When people have a conversation with me, they are ‘shocked’ at how well I communicate and process big ideas, and they are quick to tell me how much they love my voice and my “accent.” Now I know that these people are well meaning and all, but the truth is their ‘compliment’ is based on a set of preconceived ideas they have about what people like me should sound like. After all, you won’t find people paying compliments to a white Englishman for sounding English.

I wonder if David feels judged by the single story every time someone walks into the store and completely ignores him, hence his stone-faced expression. Many of us define people by the single story and miss out on so much more. There are numerous dimensions to every person and the more we unconditionally love a person, the easier it is to find out their multi-dimensional stories. As I’ve built a relationship with David, I’ve learned that he was in hospital for three months because he broke his hip trying to move from one wheel chair to another, and the pain is still excruciating as the doctors have told him it will take two years to fully heal since he can’t rehab it. Yet David is at work everyday because that’s the place where life happens. His eyes light up every time I walk into the store and he’ll tell me exactly how many days it’s been since I was last in. We’ve had conversations about the NBA Playoffs, the Superbowl, college football and every thing under the sun, and he is remarkably knowledgeable. David cusses like a banshee (whatever a banshee actually is) and has really pungent breath, but David is a delight to know and talk to. He forces me to put my life in perspective and to be thankful for the things that I can do, especially on the days when I’m throwing a tantrum because I’m mad at my circumstances.

David’s outlook on and approach to life humble me and make me realize that, in the human context, unconditional love may well bring a greater benefit to the one loving than it does to the one receiving love. You see, knowing David has changed my paradigm about the way I view and judge people based on the single story, and so it makes it easier for me to deal with each person on their own individual merit. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you because I know it’s my journey, but I’m truly thankful for Winn Dixie, David, and unconditional love.